one step closer, and what I'll be giving up

Earlier this week, I finally received my admission to the Université du Québec à Trois-Rivières. Well ... conditional admission. The condition I have to meet: I have to go up and take a French test. I laughed. After the enthusiastic encouragement of the department head who had amazingly complimentary things to say about my written and spoken French ... I have to go take a French test. Fine. In my line of work, I understand that they want a test score on a piece of paper in my file. So I will go provide them with one. It will be a good excuse to go check on my apartment.

In making the trip up for the French test, I will be missing what would have been the last get-together of my women's circle before I return to Québec. This is a tough one. This group of women is so dear to me. We have shared our secrets, celebrated the wonderful events and milestones in our lives, and been there for each other during the difficult times. For four of the other six women, I had their kids in school. Our bond will always be there. But I will deeply miss being in their presence regularly.

I've also just found out that I'm required to go to the international students' orientation. I had to laugh again because I hardly think of myself as an international student there even though technically I am. And in attending that orientation, I will have to miss part of a music workshop I've already signed up and paid for and was really looking forward to.

As September gets closer, I'm feeling these and other impending losses more deeply. And there are more losses to come. I realized a few decades ago that once we are well into adulthood, no major move comes without some losses, without leaving some things behind.

My music has been taking off since I started studying guitar last December at the local folk music school and got involved with the school's groups and events. I found my performing niche with their new Cajun group for whom I'm the vocalist (in French) and one of two rhythm guitarists. The group is led by my guitar teacher who performed for a decade with BeauSoleil, probably the most famous Cajun band in the U.S. Mainers might have heard them at the American Folk Festival in Bangor where they have performed a couple of times. Earlier this week I saw my guitar teacher and we had a great conversation. He wants us to perform. And I want to perform, especially with him. We really hit it off and he is just an amazing performer. He knows I'm heading back to Québec shortly. So how will performing work? Will it work? I want it to. But I can't be in two places at once.

And then there's my ties to the school where I taught for the last 18 years of my 33-year career. There are a lot of incoming seniors and their families I'm close to. They won't be part of my day-to-day life any more. I know I'll be back some weekends and during school vacations. But the role the school has played in my life for the past 18 years is over. A few parents of seniors were nice enough to ask me if I would still stay involved with graduation planning. I said I would be happy to but that it has to be the school's decision. The responsible parties at school have said yes, that of course they would like me to stay involved. But will it be realistic? The academic year at UQTR ends April 24, 2020, well before graduation season. So it could work. But a lot of work has to be done before that point that I won't be there to help with. So is it realistic? Is it fair to the people who will be doing that work to just waltz in next April and say hey, I'm back, even though I've been clear that I will not be available until April?

After I wrote the first draft of this post, a tragic event happened in my school community that really brought home the topic of no longer being a day-to-day part of it. An incoming senior boy who was a student in my class as a freshman drowned two days ago in the Saco River. He jumped into the river off a rope swing and never resurfaced. His body was found about 7 p.m. by search divers. At 8 p.m. a parent texted me to tell me that kids were congregating at the school. My reply text: "I'm on my way." And off I headed for the 18-minute drive which I probably accomplished in less than 18 minutes this time. And when I arrived, there they were, all in a big mass in the middle of the parking lot. I estimated about 150 kids. I was a few steps from my car when a boy who had been in my class this year saw me, came running, and collapsed into my arms sobbing. I have no idea how long we stood there, him sobbing, me holding him. It was a while. Then another student came up. And another. And another. For an hour. A parent who was there on the periphery told me later that she wondered who it was that kids were waiting to hug. Then she saw. Oh. It's D-Whit. It was an honor to be there for them, and I'm humbled in the trust they had in me at that moment. And I'm very grateful that I was there in their moment of need and not in Trois-Rivières. At moments when a young person dies, it's important for their peers to see us adults role-modeling that we are grieving but not helpless with grief, that we are putting one foot in front of the other and carrying on, and that we are there for each other. (It's also important for us to take care of ourselves and process the loss away from the kids. Which I am doing. In private.)

Obviously this was an extreme event. But there will be others when I will be longing to be there and can't because of the distance or my class schedule. And it will hurt, whether it's a happy or sad event.

So these days I'm coming to terms with the fact that this choice to go to Trois-Rivières will not come without some losses. I'm dealing with it by reminding myself why I made the decision to go: because I was called to go up there and spend a school year in an area where I've spent three great summers. A calling. A Sirens' Song. And yet two nights ago when I was grateful to have been in town at the moment when we all needed to be together, I started second-guessing myself. This is my community. What am I thinking? Why leave? I have everything I need and want right here. Not everyone handles separations and good-byes well and I've felt some people pulling away already. Am I making a mistake? Am I reading more into "the calling" than is there?

For the moment, I just have to trust the call. I've said all along that the call is so loud and persistent that there must be something up there for me. I need to finish what I started and find out what that is.